I used to be anal about sleeping in complete silence. No noise at all. Dark and cool and quiet. But since I've been depressed, I've noticed that I like to have CSI or something on in the other room when I go to bed. It is comforting somehow.

I'm so sad...

Today was my last day playing WoW for awhile. Lately I've been playing a lot and it helps. I have fun and I'm around people I like who care how I am. But they keep mentioning J. No one knows about us, so its not on purpose or anything, but every time they bring him up...I can't breathe.

A friend of mine was up late with me and it was surprisingly hard to say goodbye. I really am going to miss a few people. There were two or three I ran with consistently and they made me laugh. Thinking that I might not see them again makes me sad. But its nothing compared to how hearing about J makes me feel.

I'm deep in the woods right now.

So before I left we were close. We talked most days. He said he loved me. He wanted to be my family. He said he wouldn't leave me. Maybe even he couldn't. He was going to model one of the characters in his new project after me and I was making him something for his birthday. I was as close to him as I've ever been to anyone and unlike every other guy I've been involved with, I thought he was a genuinely good person. I thought he deserved my trust. I even felt safe. I felt like I could go do my thing and come back and we'd be cool. I felt like we could disagree but it'd all be right in the end. I felt like we'd still be close when we were old and gray. He was so kind and seemed to like my company so much. It looked like he was feeling what I was feeling. I thought this was real. I thought he was the best thing to ever happen to me. I wasn't the sad girl anymore. I was starting to get over that.

Then I went away for a few days camping. We said out 'see you later's. I went off and thought about him often. At one point I went for a drive and realized just how much he meant to me in one of those moments you usually only see on movies where I was happy and crying and wanting to run home and give him the hugest hug ever all at the same time.

And then I got home. And he wasn't there. We had plans Wednesday and he wasn't there. He wasn't there Thursday either. Or on the weekend. I just never saw him again. Apparently in the space of a few days all that stuff went away. He stopped loving me or...I can't even imagine. But anyway, now he is gone. The only person I ever really trusted is gone and I can't wrap my brain around it. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I miss you so much and I'm scared you'll forget me...

Three changes I'd love to make to my diet, inspired by this magazine I found called Clean Eating:

1. Make my own bread (real whole wheat!)
2. Use all natural, unprocessed (i.e. not free-flowing) sea salt
3. Make my own deli-type meats (Yay for no preservatives/extra salt!)

In addition to the bread machine, I'd love a rice cooker, too:) For sushi!

I've said this before, but I'll say it again because I think it is really what is going to get me through the next few years.

I don't need to defend my choices to anyone. I only need to do what I've decided to do well and ignore what anyone has to say about it.

After years of what my dad refers to as 'floundering' I'm not surprised no one really thinks I'm capable of accomplishing much. I'll admit I've tried a number of areas of study and been excited about all of them in the beginning. So again, not really much of a reason for anyone to think this is any different. It is, but forget making that argument. I think instead I'll just do it. And then in a few years when I'm one of the very few people who gets to do what they love and live off it, it won't matter who I was or what I did or didn't do in the beginning.

I want to do something that makes me want to get up in the morning. I want to care about my work. I want to do something I care about so much that I think about it when I'm not doing it. Miyamoto has this quote about defining a fun game. Just replace 'fun' and 'game' with 'meaningful' and 'job' and it is exactly what I mean.

"My personal definition for what makes a game fun is whether or not when you're not playing the game, you're thinking about playing the game. That to me tells me it's a very fun game."

My personal definition for what makes a job meaningful is whether or not when you're not doing the job, you're thinking about doing the job. That to me tells me it's a very meaningful job.

Unfortunately the Guildhall admissions counselor is out for the rest of the week so my questions about the GRE and such will have to wait. In the mean time I need to start learning about using the Unreal Tournament and Quake engines. I suppose I'm gonna start with Wikipedia because I'm not sure I have even the most basic understanding of how to use either to create maps. Really my only experience has been with Halo 3's Forge which has an in-game UI. I'm hoping UT3 and Quake are more like using SolidWorks or Pro/E or Auto CAD. Mmm, Cartesian coordinates.

I'm still trying to find a job. I don't plan to start the program until January so that gives me 8 months to pay off my debt (OMG how?) and maybe get some kind of nest egg going. So maybe I should be looking for two or three jobs:) Bit greedy considering most people can't get one, yes? I'm also taking a hard look at my expenses, my possessions, and my wish lists and questioning what I really need and what is just distracting filler/a money sink. It is nowhere near time since my lease isn't up until the fall, but I'm trying to get a feel for what sort of apartment I can get for at least $100 less per month and still in a nice, safe neighborhood. You'd think that was a complete pipe dream, but there are actually a couple choices, so that is good news.

So yeah, that is all the banality I've got in me for now. I'm going to go look up the game engine stuff now. I'll let you know how it goes:)

My DVR didn't record last week's episode of House because it was full and apparently I missed something big:/ I remember seeing the previews and thinking 'ooo, I can't wait,' which I hardly ever say about TV. Also, it is so rare that a TV show (or a movie or a game, for that matter) can shock me. I would have enjoyed it. Stupid DVR.

Yeah, this is about right. I usually get ranger/hunter or rogue when I do these class quizzes. Bonus fact: My main on WoW is a hunter. *nerd*


D&D Home Page - What Class Are You? - Build A Character - D&D Compendium

Sleep odd hours. I've found it most useful (or un-useful, I suppose) to wake up around 11 PM when it is too late to do anything but get breakfast at Whataburger. Spend the next few hours (until around 6 AM, when the world starts up again) playing video games because 'it isn't like I could be doing anything anyway...everything is closed.' Then, when you finally can get something done, do a couple things off your list (phone calls, perhaps?) and immediately get distracted and subsequently obsessed with some completely useless task like organizing your iTunes or your Del.ici.ous bookmarks or even your starred items from Google Reader. Once you've been at it a couple hours, take a shower so you can get dressed and go out. Get back in bed 'just for a minute' while you warm up...and wake up around 8 PM. Repeat.

I forgot! When I was at Jim's, I saw a note his roommate had taped to their sliding glass door. It said 'Am I locked?' *giggle* Passive-aggressive Notes anyone?

*dance of celebration*

So in honor of this joyous event I'm dubbing tomorrow Play Video Games All Day and Eat Junk Food Day! I will be celebrating from dawn (or like noon-ish when I get up) 'til dusk (or possibly the next dawn...) as PVGADEJF Day tradition stipulates. There are no words for how excited I am. The closest thing I can think of is I'm almost too excited to sleep like I was Christmas Eve as a kid.

Also, dinner with Jim was nice:) I think I like him more than I thought I did. That is extra nice:) :)

From: Anderson, Amanda [mailto:aanderson@velaw.com]
Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 2:34 PM
To: Tinsley, Lyric
Subject: I have three thoughts on this...




#1 - The shoes are a nice touch.
#2 - So is whatever you stuffed down your diaper.
#3 - The light meat/dark meat combo is not.



Bonus thought: What is the green furry thing on his hand?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Tinsley, Lyric [mailto:ltinsley@fulbright.com]
Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 2:40 PM
To: Anderson, Amanda
Subject: RE: I have three thoughts on this...


I have a fourth and fifth thought...

4. Why the hell are you wearing this at work?

5. Do you think he usually wears the green thing on the other hand and that's why it's so white?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Anderson, Amanda [mailto:aanderson@velaw.com]
Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 2:55 PM
To: Tinsley, Lyric
Subject: RE: I have three thoughts on this...


Ok, I have an answer to #5 - That is part of Lion-O's coloration. He is a cat-man with white paws. I'm not making this up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Tinsley, Lyric [mailto:aanderson@velaw.com]
Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 3:05 PM
To: Anderson, Amanda
Subject: RE: I have three thoughts on this...

LOL! I can't believe you know what he is! I thought he was just some guy who threw a strange outfit together!

I love Fatty because his honest reaction to some guy not calling me for another date is 'he was probably just a douche.'

So my date with K (the game developer) was good. Or at least I had a good time. We met at the Londoner for a few drinks. I had a few plus one:P Conversation was good and he was smart and funny and we're kind of a lot alike. He ended up offering to take me home and I let him. I texted him today to say thanks again and he asked if I got back to my truck OK. Hopefully he'll call or something. I'd like to see him again.

I know you taste just like green guacamole, but your discoloration makes you look old and less tasty and it puts a damper on my snack.

Sincerely,
Me

I told Fatty I'd get on in a bit but I'm soooooooo tired for some reason. Probably I'll just take one for the team and see if I snap out of it. Bleh. I'm not even really up for GTA IV.

Speaking of games that aren't Halo, I was reading Hotty McBloggy's blog and she had a link to an awesome video featuring the song 'Still Alive' which plays during the ending credits. Uh, it rocks. (Side note: it is FREE DLC for Rock Band...w00t!) So that made me curious about Portal itself, since I'd heard it was a great game, but nothing else. [Rest of pointless story omitted because I am lazy.] So I'm gonna go get the Orange Box Half Life 2 tomorrow at lunch. I'm sure Half Life will be entertaining but I'm really excited about Portal (obviously) and Team Fortress 2. If nothing else, the promos for that game are great:)

This is just proof that GamerWorx.net has to be a success. How else will we be able to legitimately spend all day fucking around on the internet and getting paid for it?

Fatty: Good post btw
Me: Thx i should be working
Fatty: Lol im looking up business plans
Me: U at work 2?
Fatty: Ya
Me: We are awesome employees

1. The Puerto Rican station plays a lot of my favorite Reggaeton. Good taste, Rockstar. Good taste.
2. There are many parallels between GTA IV and my life. For example:
-Nico and Roman often yell 'shitfuck!' Dallas, Lyric, and I yell 'shitfuck!' (Semi-funny story involving Mad Libs and Dallas' lack of comprehension of the parts of speech)
-Vlad calls Roman 'Fatty.' I call Fatty 'Fatty!'
-Nico frequently has to outrun the cops after committing heinous crimes. I frequently have to outrun cops after committing crimes, too!*
3. There are exotic dancers that spank each other. Who wouldn't count that as a plus?

Anyway, I'm just now really spending time with the game even though I've had it for months. It is already really awesome and I'm only on the first island! I'm amazed at the amount of stuff there is for me to get in to. Currently I enjoy spending my nights driving around the crap neighborhoods honking at people on the corners to see if any prostitutes come out to offer me a 'date.' I'm also doing it to see if I can find another girlfriend because I'm already tired of Michelle. So far, no luck. I may be going about it the wrong way.

Anyway, back to Michelle. I bang her and then don't call her and sometimes when I'm driving her around, I run over people just to freak her out. And still she goes out with me and doesn't complain. How is that fun? Stupid Michelle.

So yeah, I'm looking forward to going home and playing tonight. I once teased Davey about how he could possibly take time away from Halo for *gasp* other games. But now I get it. I love Halo and I always will and it will always be my number one, but it is nice to mix it up. Especially since I've been inconsistent with how well I've been playing lately. *grumbles* Besides that, we need to branch out for GamerWorx so I'm doing my part:)

Oh yeah, I didn't really get to update the NTHAT site like I wanted. I didn't even take any screen shots. Bad me! But this has taught me a valuable lesson. I shouldn't expect or agree to update on weekends because weekends are for all-night gaming. Duh.

Blah blah blah, the end!

*Completely untrue, I just like things in threes.